Breaking Free: My Journey with Inner Healing & Deliverance

        It’s hard to even put into words all the healing God has done in my life. And it’s truly been through learning about inner healing and deliverance, that was God’s path of healing for me and it was perfect.  Of course God can use other means to heal us, but I wanna share my story so that hopefully it can bring some understanding to this subject.  One of the biggest hindrances to someone pursuing prayer ministry is the fear of the unknown, so as hard as it is to share so vulnerably here (like I wonder what family members of mine might see this!! Eeeek!!), it’s worth it so people can understand how desperately God wants to heal them.  I pray through as you read the following that you'll be deeply convinced there’s a God who sees you, cares about you and is welcoming you into the same beautiful journey of becoming whole. It’s kinda the whole reason Jesus died and resurrected, so we could go from death to life through Him!

MY PAINFUL PAST

        I could jump right into the glory stories of how God healed me but I feel it’s important for you to understand a bit of the back story of who I was, the brokenness and pain I came out of…I was honestly a mess growing up, in what felt like a single parent home, where my father was physically there but emotionally absent. He was an angry alcoholic who was not all there mentally, mental illness wasn’t as widely understood or even talked about like it is today so I just thought he was crazy. The statistics and effects of a fatherless home are serious, it’s true that it’s a hidden epidemic in our society.  

        The void of a father’s love wreaked all sortsa havoc in my life like lack of identity and security which I ended up finding in my social life, money, fashion and every other thing but God! We went to a church filled with sweet, kind Christians but sadly no one ever came alongside me to actually know me, understand my struggles - no heart to heart talks, no comfort was found in church. God showed me later on in life it was all religious activity, no relationship.  I showed up on Sundays, went to youth group like a good Christian teenager and served faithfully in many ministries of the church…but all the while God felt far away. He felt distant, felt like He helped me sometimes but was mostly there in life to let me know when I did something wrong.

        By the time I reached my early twenties, I was a confident, feisty independent woman being influenced by pop culture and my friends. I was a strong woman on the outside but inside, it felt like I was falling apart. I was confused about my purpose in life, struggled with homosexuality but had no one safe to talk to and was filled with so much deep anger, hatred and bitterness from my dad (he asked my mom for a divorce and demanded half the assets that he never paid a single cent towards). Don’t worry, thankfully I’m so healed from my father wounds! I felt fake in life like I was one person outside but a totally dark person on the inside. It’s no wonder I gave up on God. I felt like He hadn’t been much help in my life anyway and I was tired of trying to please a God I barely knew and who I definitely couldn’t imagine spending an eternity with!

        I then spent 7 years living like the prodigal son in Luke 15. Until just like him, I hit rock bottom and I mean jagged rocks! It was enough to wake me up and make me come to my senses. Up until that point, I remember how God had given me dreams, warning me of my life’s choices or dreams about my destiny like trying to show me that I had more to live for. All this drove me to taking baby steps to turn my life around. 

STEPS TOWARDS GOD AND FREEDOM

        One of those steps was volunteering at an inner city ministry in Toronto, where I eventually - and miraculously - got hired! God used this ministry and the staff there to open my eyes to seeing who He really is, what being a follower of God is actually meant to be.  It was there I met my husband who then introduced me to a church that was unlike any church I’d ever been to. It’s now called Catch The Fire Toronto. But I remember looking around at people worshipping and being like, “what’s with their passion? Like they actually look like they LOVE God!” There was a freedom and sincerity in their worship I had rarely seen in church.  While it was weird and out of my comfort zone, I was quietly intrigued. Even intrigued by the way they talked about God…like it was a different God altogether! Like they knew Him intimately.  So it was another big step for me to walk away from the church I had grown up in to attend a new church, it felt like betrayal but I knew it's what I needed to find healing and change.

       The church had experienced a major move of God in the mid-90’s and by the time we started going there, they were hosting tons of conferences, had equipping weekends, healing retreats, worship and prayer events.  It was overload, but I was so desperate for help that I jumped into all of it.

FIRST PRAYER MINISTRY EXPERIENCE: FREEDOM FROM HOMOSEXUALITY

        It was at their healing retreat that I learned the foundations of the Gospel, where I first learned about inner healing and deliverance. It was also that first healing retreat that God got right to business and healed the homosexuality that had been hidden in my heart for probably around 6 years. They taught us about bringing things into the light, taught us how to invite God into those hidden places of our hearts and life. I didn’t even know how to hear from God at that point, but He still met me!  One of the staff ladies at the retreat, a total stranger, sat with me and prayed into the homosexuality stuff with me.  It actually felt more safe talking to someone who didn't know me, I knew there was zero judgement!  She led me to ask God to show me where it came from, the root of it. And as my eyes were shut, kinda scared but hopeful that God would speak, and boom! In my imagination, I saw the scene of a memory from my childhood that God so clearly revealed was the root of it all!! The lady led me through some simple prayers where I could feel my heart attaching faith and hope to what I was praying, then I felt the pain and burden from all those years melt away. I remember opening my tear-soaked eyes after praying and feeling the difference.  I felt free!!  No more shame, no more confusion, no more heaviness or hopelessness!!  

       From then on I went after healing like it was a full time job!! Once I had a taste of freedom, I wanted more! I was on a rampage - with God - to break free of the layers of mess my life had become!  I had allowed Satan to destroy so much of my life and I was excited to finally have the understanding AND tools to crush him.  Through that retreat, I learned the basics like what the Cross means to me personally, what bitterness and forgiveness are, how to practically and prayerfully apply verses to my life. Verses from the Bible that I’d heard all my life but never knew how to live them out like John 10 for example. Jesus says, “my sheep hear my voice.” One weekend they brought speakers in to teach on Hearing God’s Voice.

       God of course had to slow me down and teach me that I couldn’t go demon hunting or brokenness hunting, that I had to trust Him to bring to the surface of my heart the things that needed healing at the right time. And He did just that. Through every season of life, God brought things to light that needed healing. I learned early on that “where there’s fruit, there’s a root.” So sometimes I would notice fruit that didn’t reflect the fruits of the Spirit and I’d go after it. Sometimes God would give me a dream taking me back to a hurtful memory from life and I’d wake up knowing yup, I never dealt with that properly and that’s an area He wants to heal.  I have countless stories from every season/phase of life, but I'll spare your eyes and end with this one...

GETTING FREE FROM MURDEROUS THOUGHTS!

        Fast forward to me being a parent of two kids, Seth and Amayah.  My friends had a hard enough time believing I got married, let alone having kids haha "kids having kids," ahh the wonders of time!  Any parent will tell you that having children will bring out the absolute best AND worst in you.  I was suddenly filled with a capacity to love like I never knew was possible, it was gloriously beautiful. But on the flipside, I also realized how impatient I was, how easily frustrated and irritated I would get.  With Seth, his strong will brought out a side of me that I didn’t know existed. I would go to levels of anger and rage that weren’t healthy and my husband would call me on it and pushed me to get prayer ministry for it. I’m gonna be completely, and uncomfortably, honest and transparent here so you can understand the depth of darkness we can be dealing with.  It was so bad that I would have murderous thoughts! I later realized those thoughts weren’t mine, they would come into my head and I made sure not to own them, as in I never entertained them.  Like someone can show up to your door with a package saying it’s for you, but you still have authority to accept or deny the package!

        I knew then that I needed serious help. I was disturbed by those thoughts so one night I laid in Seth's bed, praying for him and our relationship.  I was listening to worship music and quieting my heart.  In the quiet, I asked God like I was taught at that first healing retreat, “where is this anger, rage and murderous stuff coming from?” And suddenly, my imagination turned into a TV screen just like my first healing experience and I saw the awful memory of when my dad threatened my life when I was around 16 years old. He had come home drunk and in trying to protect my mom, I began fighting with him . He grabbed me and put a knife to my throat, threatening to kill me. God said, “it was in that moment, a spirit of murder and rage entered your life.” WHOA! I went through the prayer steps I had learned through the years while following the leading of the Holy Spirit, and I could feel the darkness leaving my body!!  Once again, I was brought into another depth of freedom!

        Those evil spirits that were working to destroy our relationship and were speaking those evil thoughts in my mind were gone.  My mind was clear, my heart was lighter and when I asked God what He wanted to fill that place in my heart with (Matthew 12:43-45), He said, “JOY!” Joy, peace, freedom, patience and other things. Day after day, I declared the truths He spoke to me that night, I would pray thank you Lord for more joy, more patience…was I perfect? Heck no, I still got upset because anger is a natural human emotion. But it didn’t own me anymore.  It wasn’t coming from that deep, dark place.  I didn’t go to the degree of rage that I used to go to.  I was free. And even now I’ve learned so much about anger, that there is good, healthy, even righteous anger and then there’s an unhealthy anger…oops, won’t go down that rabbit hole, we’ll leave that for another day!

       God is jealous for our wholeness. Again, we are triune beings made up of a body, soul and spirit. Inner healing and deliverance heals us on a deep level that heals each part of us.  It was a huge part of Jesus’ ministry because He cares about our whole selves becoming whole.  Like it wasn’t just my mind and soul that were freed, but my body felt the difference. It was no longer bound up in the stress of anger and rage.  Peace began to reign, joy began to reign...the life of Christ was able to rule in my life more...this is what Bible stories are made of!  Jesus setting the captives free (Isaiah 61:1)!  Thanks for making it through this novel of a blog!  Again, feel free to shoot me a message if you have any questions about all of this, you are not bothering me!